Watching our children suffer...

...is there anything worse? No!

I am sitting next to Tabitha who is finally peacefully sleeping after 36 hours of misery. She started being sick on Monday at 5am, and by midnight we concerned enough to phone NHS direct who felt that she sounded dehydrated and recommended a trip to A and E. Now, Tabitha is normally the fittest and healthiest of children, and watching her retch so hard she was almost convulsing was distressing, as was seeing her terror at the thought of hospital (she has a needle phobia). But praise God for the wonderful medical facilities on our country, and unlike countless women who have to watch their children suffer and often die from D and V, Tabitha was treated and is now recovering.

It did lead me to think, though, about the "problem" of suffering. As a Christian, I believe that God knows my suffering, because he has known me for eternity. Likewise he knows my children and their suffering. In the darkest moments of last night I did not feel angry with God. I was praying that he would take Tabitha's illness away, but I wasn't angry with him. It came to me last night more clearly than ever before that he watched his own child, his own son, suffer in the most appalling way. So realising that God not only knew that I was having to watch my child suffer, but that He has felt that agony as a parent Himself was remarkable. Our God, our mysterious creator God, through whom all things are possible, chose to let His son suffer, and through that, chose for Himself to suffer also. I often think about Jesus' suffering from Jesus' point of view, much like I view my own suffering. But last night I had a bit of an insight in to God's suffering, and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

That's all.

Serving God Through Creativity

Is there any point in going back to sleep? No. I need to be up again in an our and a half to take J to the station. I have a sleeping baby next to me who woke me up an hour ago wanting milk. This is very unusual, but possibly a sign that she needs bit more than milk now. We have started a bit of baby porrdige to help with the reflux, but I've been going with what she seems to want and today she was not interested at all and so has not had any.

So...

...as is traditional for a person lying awake in the wee small hours, I am thinking about Stuff. To sort through the wooliness of my thoughts I will present the Stuff as a list.

1. I am adoring being at home with my girls.
2. I really feel that me not working is better for them, and us as a family.
3. Ergo, I do NOT want to go back to work. (The "NOT" in capitals serves to show how strongly I feel about this, as does the follow up explaination of the capitals with the brackets!)
4. How can my staying at home with them be achieved?
5. By being financially viable.
6. Why does everything have to come down to money?
7. Because it does.
8. Fine. So what can I do to earn money at home?
9. I know the answer.
10. I am very creative. I would like to use this creativity (drawing card designs?) to make enough money to mean that I don't need to go back to work. I don't mean a fortune. But just enough. 
11. I would also like to use my creativity for God, as it is He who gave me this gift. When we were at Greenbelt in 2010 I felt very strongly that He is calling me to use my creativity for him, but I have not made much of a go at it so far, being stymied by things like looking after children on  practical level, and self doubt on an emotional level.
12. I had two prophetic images given to me at a prayer meeting. One was of an open book, with pages being turned. The other was of a staircase with a door the top. Are these linked with my quest for serving God with creativity? I'm still mulling over them.
13. So, I need an action plan. Does this mean a new list?
14. Yes.


Action Plan -
1. Find some time everyday for quiet reflection and bible study.
2. Really listen to God.
3. Get going on the drawings (because they won't draw themselves).
4. Trust God. He's never let me down yet.

And while we're on the subject - here's one I did earlier.

Easter Monday Pilgrimage

I absolutely love the Easter Monday Pilgrimage - Easter wouldn't be Easter without it. J and I worked out yesterday that Tabitha has been every year of her life, all eight of them! Jemima, of course, can say the same thing - I seem to remember last year she was making me feel very very sick. She slept through the whole thing; I think it was a bit hot for her!

It was a bit different to normal, in that we processed out not in. I like gathering in the Abbey to eat our picnics and spotting as many people as possible. We know people from lots of parishes in the diocese - Potton, Dunton, Biggleswade, Hatfield, Welwyn as well as all the other Bedford ones. We never seem to be able to whip up much enthusiasm for it here, as most of the families seem to like to be away for Easter, or to have the day at home. So usually it's just me, J and T (and now of course J). The last two years mum and one of her friends has come, and then maybe one or two more. I would love to do it properly one year, and set off on Easter Sunday afternoon, camp over night and arrive by foot on the Monday.

It was a great message from the Bishop of Hertford, asking us to go out as pilgrims and really show Jesus' love for everyone we meet, and I left feeling very enthused, although I wish they could have waited to sweep up before we'd finished processing (and having the sub dean hurrying us through was a bit of a mood killer too if I'm honest). I'm wondering if they'll stick to this format or change it back for next year!